A journey of self-discovery

Today I am missing my Spanish lesson.

I woke up today in a strange mood. Not one ounce of happiness. I am like a bear with a sore head most of the time and no one really seems to care. I am going to snap in a big way soon...it is all building up inside me.

I spent most of the day controlling my emotions. I get so frustrated with everyone's bad attitude. I am trying so hard to be positive and proactive but am always faced with everyone one else doing the bare minimum and even then it's not right.

I seem to spend a lot of time doing other people's work. I am soft for doing it but they never do anything to help me, just pile more on.

Tomorrow I will say no to everyone. I am sick of it all.

A friend of mine had been tagged in a photo on facebook. It was an old school photo so I couldn't resit a look. It was a photo of 'the gang' I was part of all through secondary school. I had forgotten it was taken. A sunny day and we were all huddled round a bench at school. These were my closest friends for almost 5 years and I am not longer in contact with any of them.

When we went to uni, we all sort of drifted. I fell out with them because I didn't go to someone's birthday party and didn't buy them a christmas present. At the time I thought they were being unbelievably shallow, I had made new friends at uni so let the friendship fade into nothing.

I recently been in contact with a couple of them through facebook and it has brought it all back. When I look back over my childhood friendships, I never really had a best friend and drifted from group to group. Now I can;t remember whether I was really friends with any of them - perhaps I just made up the numbers. If they had been true friends surely I would still see them now?

Even my current friendships are lacking. We all live quite far apart so find it difficult to meet up. We aren;t part of each other's day to day lives anymore. What I find most stricking is that they very rarely ask how I am doing, how my job is etc. I always make an effort to ask them but they don't seem to have any interest in me.

I know I'm actually quite a dull person and very rarely do anything, but it would be nice for them to at least acknowledge I have a life. I must put on a happy face or they are too scared to ask.

I am worried that I will never know what true friendship is. I don't think I will ever trust anyone enough to let them in.

It's back to work tomorrow. I am now worrying about what I have forgotten. I am almost sure there is an important job I need to get done first thing but not sure what it is.

I am also dreading my inbox. I think I will ignore it until the end of the week...if no one shouts it can't be worth reading? Not sure I'll get away with that though.

In an ideal world, I could sneek into work get my work done and go home without anyone talking to me. I do like my collegues but they do annoy the hell out of me. I am sat in the middle of it all with no refuge from the madness.

I'm sure it'll be fine once I'm there.