Searching for a happy ending...

I'm moving!!

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-07-03 – 20:16:16

Well after months of to-ing and fro-ing, I am finally moving.

All I need to do now is pack! Not a job I am looking forward to but it's got to be done. I should look at this as an opportunity to sort out alot of crap I have collected over the years.

My one irritation at the moment is that from the moment I gave notice to my current landlord, he has been happily arranging viewing for prospective tenents with little regard to me. I get a text the night before and it could be at any time. Tonight he 'thoughtfully' arranged a viewing for 17.30! That is a little unfair to me, what the hell am I supposed to do? I would have liked to have been at home cooking my tea but instead I stayed at work until I knew the coast was clear.

Fortunately I have plenty of work to be getting on with.

Why me!?!

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-06-06 – 20:01:25

Today was my last day a work for a whole week. I had a few jobs ot finish off so I got in early so there was a hope I could leave a bit early. Everything was going wrong today. We were overwhelmed with stupid queries and time-wasters today. This meant I didn't get as much time as I wanted to finish off all my jobs.

I finally escaped at about 16.55. Someone else buggered of early which meant I couldn't go as my other collegue was dragged into a meeting. Anyway, it's over now for a week at least.

Got home and found a letter from my bank telling me that I had exceeded by agreed overdraft limit but because I was normally such a good customer, they had waived the charge. What the f**k!! My over draft limit is £650 and I am never near the limit. I immediately checked my balance online to find 6 cash withdrawls of around £300 from a bank in Canada!!

I phoned the bank and they've cancelled my card and temporarily extended my overdraft so I don't get any more surcharges. I now have to live off my savings until they can credit my account. I am going to be sent lots of forms to fill in and I need to send my statements highlighting the fraudulent transactions.

This is utter pants!! I now have no money so can't get my mum a birthday present. I am going to London this weekend to see my brother so I'm gonna have to borrow some cash. I really didn't need this and how the hell did the bastards get my details? I am usually so careful.

This is a crap start to my holiday - I really want to cry!

Tagged!

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-06-06 – 19:23:15

Tagged by Jembajr

The Rules:
Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

1. What I was doing 10 years ago:
I had just finished my first year at university and was looking forward to a long summer doing nothing!!

2. What 5 things are on on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

Look for somewhere new to live (recurring item!)
Find out which bus can get me to the train station tomorrow
Take out the rubbish
Iron the clothes I plan to take away with me.
Pack my stuff for my trip to the Big Smoke

3. Snacks I enjoy:

Any type of crisps - Steak & Onion flavour are my favourite at the moment
Dry Roasted Peanuts
Haribo Starmix

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire:

By a mansion in the country and have apartments in London, Rome and New York. Possibly also a villa in Tuscany. I would give up work and travel the world in first class luxury. I would also treat my friends and family to something nice.

5. Places I have lived:

Chester, Lancaster and Warwick

I tag RacyTracy, Tatiana84, MagicalMysteryTour, davidjohn and unclefrank

Feeling old but merry!

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-06-01 – 23:30:30

I have accidentally found myself somewhat tipsy. I decided to finish off a bottle of wine that was in my fridge. I had forgotten I did not have a substantial dinner. Oops!!

I should be in bed now sound asleep. It's back to work tomorrow!!

I have always found Sunday a good night to get drunk. At uni, 4 pints on a Sunday in the bar and I was happy. I miss those days. I don't miss not having any money but I do miss the diverse people you meet.

Life should still be like that. However I find myself 'being middle-aged' and spending my weekends at home watching trash TV. I am young(ish), free and single. I should be out on the town every weekend but in reality I can't remember the last time..

Life lessons learned

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-05-30 – 22:47:01

I have been thinking about the future today. My life is going nowhere and I really can't see anything changing, ever!

My life is 'uncomplicated'. This is because I don't actually spend any time living. I'm not sure that I have ever really made an impact on anything or anyone. I just make up the numbers.

I don't really know how I have let this happen. I often get flash backs from defining moments of my past and today I remembered a girl in the third year at school who made my life hell.

She victimised me and eventually made my friends turn against me. My whole little world fell apart. It was as though for no apparent reason, my two best friends told me that they hated me. I was made to spend lunchtimes on my own in the library. I had almost forgotten how lonely I had been back then and how cruelly I had been treated. The only reason she treated me this way was because she was jealous. God only know why?! I learnt that the safest way to keep friends was to make sure that I didn't do better than them. If I did, they would drop me.

At university, my friend and I fancied the same bloke. At the time his best friend had a crush on my friend and it was only a matter of time before he asked out. Anyway, we all went out to a cheesy uni night at the local nightclub and I got very drunk on WKD (50p a bottle - those were the days). Let's just say, this bloke made a move on me and I didn't resist. The next day, my friend was not talking to me. For one of the few times in my life I had gotten what I wanted and rather than be happy for me, she punished me. I felt so bad, I didn't encourage him anymore so it just fizzled out. She then went on to date his mate for the best part of the year. I was so scared of losing my friend, I gave up what I wanted.

In some ways, this fear still exists today. When I got asked to go to Madrid, I told none of my collegues until just before I went. I was worried that would resent me for it. No-one has openly said anything to me but I can imagine there have been some raised eyebrows behind my back.

I suppose I have never really learnt how to deal with being successful, so I avoid it. History has taught me that you can never have it all. Should I not cling on to everything I have rather than risk it all on a seemingly unobtainable dream?

Say cheese!!

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-05-28 – 20:49:42

I have been feeling a little down today.

The photos from the Madrid trip arrived today and I look like a moose in all of them. I always take a bad photo. I don't think I look that awful in realife. When I make an effort I might almost be attractive, however in photos I look hideous. My self esteem plummets and when you don't really have any in the first place this is very depressing.

I am always so hard on myself. I can forgive others their short-comings so easily but I am unable to forgive my own. It's like a little voice inside is always telling me I am not good enough and will never achieve anything. Because most things never turn out well, I give up before I even try. This is such a negative cycle but I don't know how to get out of it.

I very rarely admit this, but I am quite a talented individual. I am intelligent and learn new skills really quickly. There are often occasions when I suprise myself. I am very modest about my own abilities and there are many occasions where I pretend not to know the answer just to make someone else feel better. I shouldn't do this I know but this is a habit I learnt quickly at school. I was labelled a 'swot' because I did well in exams. The reality was that actually spent very little time studying. It was easier just to pretend to be dumb every now and again so someone else can come up with the answer.

Increasingly at work, I feel that a collegue is becoming increasingly reliant on me to give them the answer. They are always asking for my opinion on queries and discussing almost every piece of work they have with me. I am always willing to help but it can be distracting at times. I have my own work to do and could do without continual interruption. The most frustrating part of it all is that they are my 'senior' and no doubt get paid alot more than I do. Now that's just not fair.

Because of the distractions, I sometimes feel I am losing control of my own work load. Having the week away has not helped either. I need to get on top of it all but once again have too many hours on the clock. I should be leaving early this week to run in down, instead I am going to losing hours. I need to go in when it's quiet to go through my e-mails and stuff. Perhaps I could ask for overtime?

Stolen from Jembajr and Jenniebaby

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-05-26 – 16:15:59

1. Name a movie you have seen more than 10 times
Grease

2. Name a movie you’ve seen multiple times in the theater
Pride and Prejudice

3. Name an actor who would make you more inclined to see a movie
Leonardo de Caprio

4. Name an actor who would make you less likely to see a movie
Kevin Costner

5. Name a movie and do a quote from it
A Few Good Men
"The truth! You can't handle the truth!"

6. Name a movie musical in which you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs
The Sound of Music and Grease

7. Name a movie you have been known to sing along with
Grease, Sound of Music, Moulin Rouge to name but a few...

8. Name a movie you would recommend everyone see
Little Miss Sunshine

9. Name a movie you own
Lot and lots... The Shawshank Redemption

10. Name an actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?
No - do we have them in the UK?

12. Ever made out in a movie?
No

13. Name a movie you keep meaning to see but you just haven’t gotten around to yet.
Casablanca

14. Ever walked out of a movie?
No

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
Titanic, The Green Mile and Moulin Rouge to name but a few...

16. Popcorn?
Not usually

17. How often do you go to the movies
Not often enough.. would like to go every week.

18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?
Made of Honour

19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Romantic Comedies are my weakness, but I do pretty much love every other genre too.

20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
The Jungle Book

21. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
Legends of the Fall - so dull!! We only wnet bcause my friend was obsessed with the guy who was in ET and he happened to be in this film for about 10 minutes!!

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
Donnie Darko

23. What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
Jaws - I was very young the first time I saw it. Not a huge fan of horror.

24. What is the funniest film you have ever seen?
There's Something About Mary

Hola!!

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-05-25 – 20:05:09

So I am back form Madrid!

I'm not really sure how to describe the week. It was hard work for the most part and I feel drained. Spending a week in a foreign country with total strangers is not a situation I enjoy but I found it extremely rewarding. I'm glad I went. There was a diverse mix of people and most were friendly. The company hosting the event were very generous indeed and could not be faulted.

The whole event was run in English despite the fact it is a Spanish company and nearly every other delegate did not speak English as their first language. As I do not speak any other language to any degree of fluency, I felt at a complete disadvantage. Everyone else was speaking in a 'foreign' language and that gave them common ground. This made me feel slightly like an outsider and made me feel bad for being able to speak English without an accent. How bizarre is that?! I often had to 'decode' what everyone was saying to me and I was unable to help them by putting some of the words back to them in thier own language.

I was glad to meet all of them but I very much doubt I will keep in touch with anyone.

I now have a huge pile of washing to get through and a weeks worth of TV to catch up on. My usual routine has been totally interrupted. This is not necessarily a bad thing.

Up and down

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-05-15 – 21:13:24

It's been a mixed day.

My cold is a bit better.

The flat I went to see was tiny!! I would have to get rid of half my furniture. Perhaps I am not meant to move afterall. Nowhere seems to fit the bill.

I got my pay rise letter today. It was what I expected really and my manager did say it was at the higher end. Nice to know I am actually doing something right, even if it doesn't feel like it most of the time.

I am still in a bad mood. Unfortunately I only seem to be taking out on one person. The weird thing is that he has been nice to me today, but the nicer he is the more annoyed he makes me. I wish I could get him out of my system.

He reminds me of how empty and lonely my life is. I don't want my life to be like this but it is like this because of the choices I've made. It seems I have convinced myself that I am never going to be happy so there is no point in trying. Do I even know what I want out of life?

So so sick and tired...

by LibertyBlue @ 2008-05-14 – 19:32:15

My trip to Mardid is less than a week away and I am starting to get a cold!! I woke up at 3.40am for no apparent reason. Could I get back to sleep? NO!!

I eventually drifted off but have felt shattered all day. My throat is sore and although my nose is not blocked yet I can feel it's going to happen. This is seriously bad timing and typical of my luck. I am hope that I can shake it off before Monday.

Feeling under the weather has made me snappy. I need to cheer up but it's so much easier to be in a bad mood at the moment. I will try really hard tomorrow but some people are just winding me up so much at the moment. They expect me to do them favours all the time but they never help me out in return - it's just no fair!

I am going to look at a flat tomorrow but am pretty sure it will be gone by then. Someone else is going round to see it today so they'll probably take it. It looks small in the photos and I'm not sure all my furniture would fit. I'll try to keep an open mind...