A journey of self-discovery

Today I am missing my Spanish lesson.

I woke up today in a strange mood. Not one ounce of happiness. I am like a bear with a sore head most of the time and no one really seems to care. I am going to snap in a big way soon...it is all building up inside me.

I spent most of the day controlling my emotions. I get so frustrated with everyone's bad attitude. I am trying so hard to be positive and proactive but am always faced with everyone one else doing the bare minimum and even then it's not right.

I seem to spend a lot of time doing other people's work. I am soft for doing it but they never do anything to help me, just pile more on.

Tomorrow I will say no to everyone. I am sick of it all.

A friend of mine had been tagged in a photo on facebook. It was an old school photo so I couldn't resit a look. It was a photo of 'the gang' I was part of all through secondary school. I had forgotten it was taken. A sunny day and we were all huddled round a bench at school. These were my closest friends for almost 5 years and I am not longer in contact with any of them.

When we went to uni, we all sort of drifted. I fell out with them because I didn't go to someone's birthday party and didn't buy them a christmas present. At the time I thought they were being unbelievably shallow, I had made new friends at uni so let the friendship fade into nothing.

I recently been in contact with a couple of them through facebook and it has brought it all back. When I look back over my childhood friendships, I never really had a best friend and drifted from group to group. Now I can;t remember whether I was really friends with any of them - perhaps I just made up the numbers. If they had been true friends surely I would still see them now?

Even my current friendships are lacking. We all live quite far apart so find it difficult to meet up. We aren;t part of each other's day to day lives anymore. What I find most stricking is that they very rarely ask how I am doing, how my job is etc. I always make an effort to ask them but they don't seem to have any interest in me.

I know I'm actually quite a dull person and very rarely do anything, but it would be nice for them to at least acknowledge I have a life. I must put on a happy face or they are too scared to ask.

I am worried that I will never know what true friendship is. I don't think I will ever trust anyone enough to let them in.

It's back to work tomorrow. I am now worrying about what I have forgotten. I am almost sure there is an important job I need to get done first thing but not sure what it is.

I am also dreading my inbox. I think I will ignore it until the end of the week...if no one shouts it can't be worth reading? Not sure I'll get away with that though.

In an ideal world, I could sneek into work get my work done and go home without anyone talking to me. I do like my collegues but they do annoy the hell out of me. I am sat in the middle of it all with no refuge from the madness.

I'm sure it'll be fine once I'm there.

Shortly after my last post, I decided I would go to the shops. Why wait around after all? (As it turns out, this was the right decision as I am still waiting to hear from him!)

I actually had a lovely afternoon. I braved Ikea and bought some stuff to get myself organised. I even stopped off at a book shop and induldged in 4 books!!

One was a Spanish dictionary full of pictures. it was recommended by my Spanish teach so I thought it was a worth while purchase.

Secondly I bought a travel gide for New York and on for Paris. I am off to Paris this Thursday so need to know how to get around. I've not been before and am interested to see what it's like. I have been on two holidays to France. After both, I did not gain any affection for France. I wonder if it will be the same now I am older? I am also going to New York in May. This is a trip of a lifetime and I VERY excited - hence the need to buy a book. Makes it seems more real that way.

The fourth book I bought was 'Work Less, Acheive More' by Fergus O'Connell. I am nearly finished it already. He seems to have some very sensible ideas about time and project management that could make my life so much less of a struggle. I am actually excited about doing some of the stuff he suggests. I'll let you know in a few weeks if it actually works.

My flat is also now reasonably tidy. I am going to do a proper clean through tomorrow. Get rid of the dust and junk I have accumulated over that 6 months.

This weeks holiday is going to be more productive than any other.

I am a very punctual person and as a result have spent a few hours of my life waiting for others.

Lateness is just rude especially when you know well in advance you won't be able to meet at the agreed time.

I have arranged to meet someone at noon today. I don't know him very well so I even confirmed it with him yesterday to be sure.

Got a text at 10am this morning just saying "Won't be able to make 12"

No explanation. To be honest I was pretty pissed off so my reply was a short and sweet "OK".

Next text - "I'm driving back from Leeds"

WTF - he could have mentioned this yesterday, I don't think a trip to Leeds is a spur of the moment thing.

He then phoned and said he'd get here around 2pm. I am seriously thinking of telling him where to go, this is not a good start. Am I being unreasonable?

I am now bored at home...waiting!!

Something happened today that I wasn't expecting - well two things actually.

The first was that when I woke up this morining I felt a peace with life in general. No stress, no worries, no self doubt. I felt content. This is a feeling I want to hang on to for as long as I can.

The second is that my work friend is pregnant!! This is my first proper friend to have a baby! Very excited for her but also miffed that I will no doubt have lots of extra work to do!

Here's hoping the positive vibes continue...

I am feeling really low this week.

I am fed up and frustrated.

I feel like I could snap at any moment

Work is my main frustration. I have managed to end up with 4 projects that are all urgent and very important to the company. On the one hand I should be flattered that they trust me with such important stuff but I can't help feeling a bit put upon. Especailly as everything is going wrong. My boss asked me today if there was any good news - I couldn't reply.

I feel like I'm the only one in the team with any sort of motivation to go a good job and sort things out. Everyone else bitches about how crap it all is and spends the day doing the bare minimum. This does nothing for my morale. Especially as they are technically more 'senior' than I am and get paid a hell of a lot more than me.

Now everything has started to go wrong, I feel really incompetent. Am I really that bad at my job? I think I try too hard.

I don't know how to sort this out. I am finding it really tough to relax and forget about it all. I feel isolated. I know I need help but I'm not sure what help I need.

Perhaps I should get lost for a few days - fall off the face of the plant into oblivion.

I almost did a bad thing today.

Something I would hate to happen to me.

I was leaving the work car park and I clipped a car parked on the end of a row. It was dark and my windows were still a little misted up so didn't spot the black sports car. I immediately stopped and got out to look to see if my car was damaged. I couldn't see any damage, so I made the assumption that there would also be no damage to the other car. I almost drove off when I saw a collegue and someone else looking at the other car.

My only thought was "Bollocks!"

I returned to the scene of the 'crime' and did leave my contact details.

This has made me question whether I am an honest person. I could so easily have driven off assuming no damage - leaving the other person with a scratched bumper. Part of me knows that I was actually too lazy to go over and check the other car, if someone else hadn't seen or begun looking at the other car, I probably would have driven off without leaving details.

I know I have now done the right thing so does that mean I can ignore the fact I almost did the wrong thing?

Now I get to look forward to a difficult phone call in the morning followed by insurance company nonsense.

For my birthday, as a gift my brother very generously said I could buy whatever I wanted and he would pay. My limit was £1000. Isn't he just the best brother ever?!

My birthday was over a month ago now so I have put a lot of thought into what I wanted to get.

I have always wanted to buy a posh bag but have never been able to afford it. I went up to Leeds for the weekend and that was my opportunity to search out the perfect bag.

I fell in love with a 'raspberry' Mulberry bag. It's bright, shiny and the complete opposite of any other bag I own. A complete impulse buy. A very expensive impulse buy.

Now I feel guilty. I haven't really used it yet - which I thought I would. I think this is a symptom of my guilt.

I spoke to my mum last night and was talking about my bag. She said my brother had told her the price and she was going to buy me a glass case to put it in. I then asked her if she thought it was too extravagant. She replied "Well if it's what you want".

Her tone made it clear that she thought I had taken advantage of my brother's generousity and used his money frivolously.

I now feel even more guilty. I am on the verge of taking the bag back.

I am torn. On the one hand, I do love the bag but on the other hand I now hate myself for buying it.

In a moment of courage during the summer, I decided I would go to evening classes.  Firstly to meet people and secondly, to learn a new skill/hobby.  Inspired by my trip to Madrid, I decided to learn Spanish.

All seems to be going well so far.  My pronunciation is much to be desired but I am at least starting to learn something.  It is much more fun than I remember languages at school.

I have just come back from my spanish class feeling really low.  Previous weeks it has given me the opposite feeling.  I have missed a week which probably hasn't helped.  It was just a bit flat.

I have been feeling funny all day.  I only just about managed to drag myself out of bed this morning.  I could have laid there all day.  Tomorrow I have to be up early, so I expect it will take ages to get to sleep.  Perhaps a hot chocolate will help me relax.